A Life Full of Win... and Lots of Recent #Fail Moments

I'm two months behind on blogging, and I need to get back to it. It's not that I don't have a million thoughts. I've shared them with best friends and my coach, but that doesn't make it complete. Blogging is a chance to complete the cycle of promoting introspection in others, lending our own perspective to someone's situation, and learning from each other. I enjoy that constantly in friends' blogs so need to get back to contributing. I'm hoping this is the road back to that for me.

My Life is full of win. I have an appreciation for that, as we all should for what we have. A loving husband I've been with for 18 years, two wonderful children, the best friends a girl could ask for, strong heart and body, and I spend my time following my passion and helping other people fulfill their active goals.

But the last few months for me have been full of #FAIL MOMENTS. (yes, thanks to Twitter, when I think of "fail", I've got to make it a hashtag!)

My 2 year old daughter had been vomiting every couple days since late February, and after really stressful testing including checking for cancer and neurological problems and having a scoping and biopsy procedure of her GI tract, we finally learned that she has celiac disease. This is a major lifestyle change for us to deal with and a huge transition for a willful toddler. Celiac disease isn't just going gluten free - it's complete avoidance of any possible cross contamination of wheat products because it can seriously make her sick.

On top of that in the last month, the kids have had scarlet fever, strep, strep again, strep in the other child, and hand, foot, and mouth viral disease. I guess I really should stop them from licking door handles (disclaimer for anyone calling Child Protective Services: I do NOT let them lick door handles... or toilet seats).

I DNFed one impulsive last minute ultramarathon in March when a blizzard rolled in. I got food poisoning 2 days before my next ultramarathon in mid-April, losing 4 pounds in a day. I fell and smashed up my knee at my early May ultra and DNFed 8.6 miles in.

It would have been so easy to just let all that crap consume me. But while my mileage has suffered, I have been getting runs in and serious quality, soul-suckingly awful runs!

And now I hope to be coming out the other side of these moments of #epicfail. Sophie has been puke free for 10 days now and we're discovering new foods she likes to replace the snacks and bread she misses. Kids are still on antibiotics from the illnesses but seem to be on the mend. I'm getting some runs in, I'm excited for Bighorn 50K next month, and I'm focusing on getting to a place where I can have a strong race.

I'm A Quitter - Prairie Spirit 50

Monday I was overwhelmed - work, being a mommy, Steve's work trips this month, and trying to get in runs. I needed to compartmentalize. I had the itch to run off to a race as a training run - a chance to have some quick time to myself to think. Tuesday I signed up for the Prairie Spirit 50 Miler in Ottawa, KS. It was a rail trail race, which means completely flat, where I'm more suited to small hilly rooted trails. But the terrain would be easy and what's better training for a 50 miler in a month than an "easier 50"? Yes, this is the stupidity ultrarunners go to. And now it was showing awful weather. Great, even better training.

Cutting to the chase here and declaring it!

Shannon and her friend Haley were running it, so I drove the 7 hours Friday afternoon, arriving after the trail briefing about 7:15 pm, and met up with the girls, who were nice enough to make me a to-go plate of the race's pre-race dinner!

Saturday morning, the weather was as predicted all week. A snowstorm was rolling in. Temperatures would stay at 32-35 degrees ALL day. 14 mph winds. And snow and sleet and maybe rain if it got warmer in the forecast.

I was really happy all day with how I had planned out my apparel. Tight baselayer long sleeve, looser long sleeve, rain vest with big pockets, and then my New Balance plasticky waterproof vented jacket I'd been given by the company when I ran the 2011 Hood To Coast. Thursday I had torn up the house when I could only find one glove, so on my way out of town I stopped and bought two new pairs of gloves, which I wore one over the other. Add tights to the mix, along with my Brooks ear warmer and a hat, and everything in black? I was a cold-weather NINJA!

I started with Haley and Shannon and we ran solidly together until mile 5 and then off and on together until right before the aid station at mile 16. At mile 11, I just started to feel really off. I pull into the mile 16 aid station right behind Haley and Shannon. Haley turns to say, "How are you doing?" And then her face immediately changes - "you look awful." I must have been out of it enough because I didn't talk much and I actually left that aid station without filling up my water bottle. Since it was cold I would be okay the next 5 miles.

Picture at mile 5!

But I just feel so wrong. And mentally broken. Within a mile and a half of leaving the aid station, I actually contemplate turning around to go back. I know that it's 9 miles between aid stations here. My IT Band is bothering me from the flat terrain, and I have to walk more, but I'm still moving forward.

By the time I reach the unmanned aid station at mile 21, I've already decided to DNF. BUT I drink lots of water and dig into my rain vest for my cookie stash. I had packed 2 snickerdoodles and 2 lemon ginger cremes for calories and a pick-me-up between the spread-out aid stations. I eat all my cookies in the off chance my DNF urge is "bonking" related, from glycogen depletion. Nope. Still ready to DNF.

The last 3 miles into the 25 mile turnaround of this out-and-back course have heavy sleet with a little snow. Those last 2 miles my IT Band actually relaxes and I can run again. Nope, even able to run again, I still want to DNF. I see Haley and Shannon who aren't far ahead of me. Shannon's mom is okay with taking me back to my car.

I come into the building that is the mile 25 aid station in 5:52. 6 hours with temperatures at freezing. The volunteer says, "You could always walk it back. You have a long time until the cutoff." Me: "No, there is nothing in me that wants another 8 hours on this course." I know the snowstorm will only get worse going back north for 25 miles and I know how much colder you feel the more you are walking than running.

So yes, I'm a quitter. If it had been another 1.2 miles to a marathon finish? No big deal. 6 miles to a 50K? Yeah, I can do another hour and a half in worsening weather. Another 25 miles? No. Done.

And I can't say it was the cold, because my layers were adequate and I was never overly cold. And I can't say it was physical, as by mile 25 a lot of things were numbing up. But the reward just didn't seem worth it - I didn't need the buckle, I didn't need to get myself injured, I didn't need to be stranded Sunday in snow unable to drive home, I didn't even need to cross Kansas off my states list (I had run Garmin Marathon last year to get it), I wasn't having fun, I'd already seen the whole course (which was pretty for what it was - middle of Kansas - and representative of the area).

Some days you're strong. Some days you're not. Yesterday, I was mentally weak, and I've run enough ultras to know when there's a problem in my head that I can't move past. Which in a world of "Death Before DNF" is a complete no-no. But I had 6 hours of mental toughness training, and a good 25 mile training run on my legs physically, so for me, I accomplished everything I wanted.

Immediately after I hopped in the car and drove 7 hours home, without even a shower. It was nice to shower in my own house and sleep in my own bed. :-)

A giant congratulations to Shannon and Haley who stuck together the whole race and finished - it was Shannon's first 50 miler! And for Haley, she got to add Kansas to her state list!

2013 Race Calendar - This Is What Rugged Looks Like

It's been a busy 2013 this year already. I've already had 2 races and have been so excited about the races I plan to run the rest of this year. Some of these races I've been signed up for since early December, and one even back last September! It was time I put together a list of all the races. If not for any other reason than my mother keeps asking me what my next race is (although I know she has now put them all on her calendar). ;-)

I already declared that for me 2013 would be the "Year of Rugged", and I alluded to some of the races below. This may be a better theme than my friend Brian, who has declared 2013 for him to be the "Year of Stupid." In this list of races, there is 1 trail marathon, 5 trail 50Ks, 1 trail 60K, 2 50 Miles, one crewing gig, and one pacing gig. 319 miles of races. I hope to pick up 6 states too in my goal to complete at least a marathon distance in all 50 states. And this all encompasses my "rugged" theme with frequent challenges, remote conditions, giant elevation climbs, altitude efforts, and technical terrain.

If anyone is going to these, let me know to look for you or maybe we can grab pre- or post-race food together. If anyone wants to join me on any of these, I'm always up for company on these adventures.

January 12 - Bandera 50K - TX  (Race Report)

February 2 - Rocky Raccoon 50 Mile - TX (Race Report)

April 20 - Indiana Trail 50 Mile - IN - couldn't help myself. One more 50 miler after a fun race at Rocky.

May 4 - North Face Endurance Challenge Bear Mountain New York 50K - NY - my first New York visit outside of NYC (1 hour away)

June 2 - Deadwood-Mickelson Trail Marathon - SD - very runnable trail in gorgeous surroundings

June 15 - Bighorn 50K - WY - beautiful technical terrain through the Bighorn Mountains

June 29 - Western States 100 - Crew Chief - CA - crewing for friend Tim Steele

July 20 - Tahoe Rim Trail 50K - NV - altitude and lots of climb will make this a hard race but scenic

August 10 - Angel's Staircase 60K (tentative) - WA - Runners have to qualify by completing two mountain 50Ks. Race Director has already told me I qualify. The 37 miles are straight up the mountain, circle it, then back down. About 10000 gain/loss makes this a HARD course.

September 7 - Volcanic 50 - WA - circumnavigating Mt St Helens. Remote, lava fields, and I have to sterilize water taken from a brook in the middle of a race for the first time.

October 26 - Javelina Jundred - Pacer - AZ - good friend Lesley will be completing her first 100 miler and I'll be there to help however I can.

I look forward to this year's adventures, sharing some with old friends while making some new ones too!

2013 Rocky Raccoon 50M - Make Your Own Fun

Saturday I ran the Rocky Raccoon 50M with one of my best friends, Lesley.

We had our frank discussion ahead of time and had agreed to start together and just go from there. If one left the other, it was okay, no hard feelings, we would still be friends in the end. A lot can happen in 50 miles - that's a long day. We didn't imagine we would stick together for the full duration.

50 Mile Party Time

But we did stay together all 50 miles. And not to mince words, we rocked that race - her to a 46 minute PR, and me to a 1 hour 12 minute PR, with a finish time of 12 hours 35 minutes 30 seconds! I attribute part of that to how well we ran together. We know each other so well that when one became a zombie, the other one led the charge to keep moving forward. We chatted a lot of the time and when one didn't want to talk, the other knew it and respected that.

I have a full recap coming, forming in my head. But we spent a lot of the time having a blast and frankly entertaining the hell out of ourselves, and sometimes a few people around us. So I thought I'd dedicate this to just some of the goofy fun things that happened in our running bubble through the day. These things were repeated over and over and over again, and the more tired you get, the funnier they seem to you and you don't realize how often you are saying or doing the same thing again.

• "Wheeeeeeeeeee!" For the first 40 miles, we gave a big "Wheeeeeeeee!" with every downhill we encountered. This got a lot of laughs from the runners we shared the trail with. Both of us are quad-dominant and adore a good downhill. This then led to our jokes that we're 98% sure that the elites obviously do this too. Specifically Kilian Jornet who runs down full-out mountains at break-neck speed. Then leading to the phrase "If a Kilian wheeeeeeeeeees on a mountain and no one is there to hear it, does he still wheeeeeeeeeee?" Yes, we're absurd.

• "Just get to Suann." Suann, Martin, and Chris were all friends of ours working the Damnation aid station that's 6.2 and 8.87 miles into each 16.67 mile loop. They were taking time out of their day to be there to help all the runners, and I hope all 3 of them know how much it meant to see their faces when we would come into the aid station. So a few miles from the aid station, just getting to our very good friend Suann kept us pushing, and we would make "Just Get To Suann" a mantra over and over again, and trade in Martin and Chris' names too.

Suann, totally awesome runner and friend, who sadly sprained her ankle a week before Rocky.

• "UGH" complete with karate chop: On the drive down to Huntsville, we'd enjoyed the song "Want You Back" from Cher Lloyd. There's a good amount of growls and grunts in the song, which of course we then added our best Power Ranger karate-like moves too. So on the trail, there MIGHT have been small empowerment and confidence exercises, i.e. a good grunt complete Power Ranger move, or a whole singing of the chorus of the song to go with said grunts.

• "Just get to the pillows. I WANT MY PILLOWS." Not actually about pillows, this was us in the second half of our second loop (miles 24ish to 33), wanting to get back to base camp so we could change into our cushiony road shoes we'd planned for the 3rd loop. 50 miles is a beating no matter the training, and Lesley and I are particular tenderfoots. The foot pain is one of the worst parts of that distance for me. But I always know I'll get a few miles of mental boost and lighter than air feeling, like running on pillows, once I can change shoes.

• "Where are "our boys"? I could really use a sighting about now." This refers to our friends Josh and Reece. With so much out-and-back, you could really run into friends. Josh and Reece have a special place in our hearts because they would always greet us with a smile and, while they are extremely fast sub-24 hour 100-milers, they always treat us like we're running out there just as fast as they are. We saw them a few times, and it perked us up each time to see good friends. So in a low point, we would lament that it would be good to see them. Luckily, we'd usually run into someone else we knew about then to perk us back up too.

Last May - me, Reece, coach Jeremy, Josh

• "Yay, 40 Mile Dance Party." Now my second time to dance with Lesley at mile 40 (she paced my last loop of my first 50 miler). We dance at mile 40 because there's only single digits left of the race. It's a great mental boost. I did a little jig, mostly arms since legs were dead, and Lesley did something resembling a broken sprinkler. This point is just beyond Damnation aid station on the 3rd loop.

No picture this time. At Woostock 50M, we snapped a picture at mile 40 to go with the dance!

• "That would make a good name for a band. I'd totally listen to their music. Wouldn't you buy an album by that band?" Babble babble babble toward the end of the second loop from me as Lesley was taking her turn in zombie mode for a second. We can't even remember what the fake band name from a phrase right before that was. But I was just being ridiculous.

An actual real race report coming soon, but now you know some of the stupid crazy going on out on the trail.

My 50 Miler Packing List

In case it ever helps as a starting point for everyone else, here's what I pack for a 50 mile race. This Saturday: Rocky Raccoon 50 Miler.

Not in drop bag:

• Headband
• Hat (in case of rain)
• Sports Bra
• Shirt
• Compression Shorts
• Shorts
• Gaiters
• Socks
• Trail Shoes
• Body Glide
• Headlamp for getting around the race site pre-race (not the same as I'll use when it gets dark at night late in the race)
• Wristband
• Garmin Forerunner watch
• Handheld
• Wipes
• Honey Stinger Chews and Gels

In drop bag:

• Extra hair ties
• Extra contact lenses
• Sterilized nail, bandaids, blister band-aids
• Neo-to-go neosporin spray and Benadryl anti-itch cream
• Pills (Papaya enzyme, Zofran, Immodium, Tylenol)
• Lip balm
• Extra shirt
• Extra shoes, with socks in them and a pair of vinyl gloves and tub of Aquaphor
• Normally in but not for these race conditions: bug spray and sunscreen
• Buff
• Headlamp
• Flashlight
• More bodyglide
• Extra safety pins

2013 Goals - The Year of RUGGED

2012 could be termed the year of the 50 miler. Where I went from being "No way do I ever want to do 50 miles" to completely inspired by the 100 mile runners while volunteering at Western States Endurance Run 100 Mile to "Okay, I want to go for it", to completing my first 50 miler in September, to signing up for another 50 miler (Rocky Raccoon in February) a month or so later because I knew it would sell out.

For 2013, the theme is RUGGED.

The races themselves will have rugged components like definition 1 and, like definition 2, I will react by becoming rugged to match the terrain I'll be running. By the end of 2013, I'll be rugged - "strongly made and capable of withstanding rough handling." Withstanding rough handling. For someone who strives to keep doing multiple ultramarathons a year, those are powerful words.

I thought over the last couple months about the "need to compete." It's easy to feel like you NEED to go do all 50 milers after you do your first, or, more appropriately, your first 100 mile race. I struggled with this, letting go of what others feel like they and you need. I don't have a big interest in doing a 100 mile race. And right now I feel like I have a lot of experience to gain and speed to be found in the 50K distance. The 50K is not "just 5 miles more than a marathon." On a non-technical course, it's still 7+ hours out there weathering the elements. On a hard course, it can be 10+ hours enduring. That's not just a little over a marathon.

So in 2013, I plan to complete at least 5 50K races and 1 50 Mile race. More detail in a race calendar post soon. But it kinda looks like this...

• Weathered the mud, rocks, and sotol cactus of Texas desert at Bandera 50K
• Complete my second 50 Mile race at Rocky Raccoon
• May will bring a 50K through woods with terrain described as "craggy foothills"
• June brings rugged mountains of Wyoming where the terrain and the altitude will meet to give me a hard time
• July has altitude plus climbs with constant up and downhills on a challenging course.
• September will be the most memorable I am betting as I traverse lava and pumice fields in an area not actually open to the public with a tiny race field on terrain that will look like the surface of Mars.

http://www.volcanic50.com/course/

This year I will gain experience, amazing time on my feet doing what I love, beautiful sights and memories, and I will be made rugged by it!